Tuesday, June 11, 2013

14 reasons why the Miami Heat are loathsome


Last year, I posted about 10 reasons why I hate the Miami Heat. Well, I’ve been watching them in the playoffs the last couple of months, and I have a few more to add.

PS: yes, I’m recycling my own ideas. A lot of ad people have made a career out of it. Deal.

1. The entire home crowd wears white. It’s like an albino mime convention.

2. The carnival-barker PA announcer. Chalmers hits a 12-foot jumper in the first quarter of a January game against Cleveland, and you’d think they’d just hit the Powerball. “MAAAAAAARIO CHALLLLLLLL-MERRRRRRS! FROM DUWAYYYYYYYYNE WAAAAAADE!!” This goes on for 14 seconds after every score.

3. LeBron’s arrogance.

4. Wade’s arrogance.

5. Spoelstra’s overbite.

6. Bosh’s resemblance to Dino the Dinosaur from The Flintstones.

7. Miller's hair. Vince Van Patten called, he wants his 'do back.

8. The floppingest floppers in floppingdom.

9. Haslem letting his nasty saliva-dripping black mouthpiece hang sideways out of his piehole after every shot he makes

10. Chris Anderson's tattoo. On his neck. That reads FREE BIRD.  

11. Three-point bricklayer/future President of the United States/whitest African-American in the NBA/ex-Dukie Shane Battier.

12. Spoelstra is dating a Miami Heat cheerleader.

13. In the autumn of his career, Dwyane Wade has become the dirtiest player in the NBA.




11 comments:

Patrick Scullin said...

Great list, Gary, and you didn't even use LeBron's "The Decision" which began this whole slide into the depths of hateworthiness.

G.D. said...

"The Decision" is so universally loathed, it didn't merit mention.

Ted said...

Why I hate Obama and everyone who voted for him.

1. He goes to bed rather than send help for Americans under attack in Libya.
2. He uses the IRS to harass political opponents.
3. He is responsible for over 200 Mexicans being killed with guns he gave to Drug Cartels through the Fast and Furious program.
4. He lies evey time he speaks.
5. He is a communist.
6. He hates America.
7. He hates the Constitution.
8. He has an ugly wife who is extremely annoying.
9. He never actually does anything but go on free vacations paid for by me.
10. He comes back from the free vacations.
11. He won't say what he does with Reggie Love.
12. He likes to give the American people the finger.
13. He permitted Jon Corzine to steal $2 billion from MF Global depositors where he was CEO and instructed Eric Holder to not prosecute, because Democrat Senators and Governors are supposed to steal. It is in their genes.
14. He is evil.
15. He was elected purely on lies dreamed up by infantile Chicago marketing doofuses. He actually had never done anything of note prior to being elected President, except having sex with Michelle at least twice, which he probably had Reggie do in his place. That would have been really hard.
16. He is a disgusting Muslim.
17. He had two autobiographies written for him before he had ever accomplished anything. He is too stupid and lazy to write his own.
18. He spent most of his high school years smoking dope.
19. He is intentionally destroying the American economy.
20. His fans are incredibly stupid, getting most of their news from Comedy Central.

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