100 Words

Deep thoughts in a sea of groin kicks: Super Bowl 2012

2012-02-06T21:25:00.005-06:00

I loved the Clint ad. I loved that it had bigger things on its mind. I love how people are talking about what it means. Was it a political statement? Was it an Obama ad? Does the nation need a rallying cry during the Super Bowl?

I loved the halftime in America theme, at halftime. Best marriage of concept and content ever.

The Clint ad has talk value. The Betty White ad won’t last beyond the 24-hour news cycle.

I loved how epic it was. Super Bowl ads need to start being more epicly awesome. Like the Clint ad, like the Eminem Chrysler ad, like this one from a few years ago.

When your competition is groin kicks and monkeys, this is what you do:

The loathsome God-awful loathsomeness that is political advertising

2012-01-16T17:46:00.006-06:00

At the risk of bringing out the right-wing nutjobs, I mean enthusiasts, that for some reason read this blog, I have a story to tell. I worked for a month or two on Barack Obama's presidential campaign in 2008, around the time of the Iowa caucuses. I wrote a bunch of TV scripts as well as about 200 slogans for the campaign, including 'Yes We Can' and 'A Politician We Can Believe In' (which the campaign appropriated to 'Change We Can Believe In.')

So I wrote all this stuff, and Obama won Iowa, but then a funny thing happened. The campaign basically said 'thanks, your work is done here.' It turns out when his campaign blew up, paradoxically the people running it felt they had to close ranks with who was doing their ads, which at the time were a handful of Chicago advertising-agency creatives like me, and replace them with a hack Washington agency that specialized in political work.

But I really enjoyed it, and I'm thinking when I get kicked out of the agency world, I'll open a political ad agency. If I did, I'd make ads like this. But oh, the clients.

Thanks to Rick Hamann for the tip.

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Traveling is just awesome

2012-01-12T12:46:00.003-06:00

In another lifetime I spent three months living in Paris. These three films take me back to that time. Sponsored by SAS Airlines, they were made by 3 dudes who took the around-the-world trip of a lifetime and documented it.

Amazing is so overused as a word. 'This banana is amazing.' But these films are amazing.

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

Gary Vaynerchuk and the Thank You economy

2012-01-09T17:45:00.003-06:00

A never-aired interview of the social guru by Piers Morgan. How brands should use it, why it matters and why it's the future.

18 minutes is a long time to focus, I know. Make me proud.

My new "Santorum Yourself" app

2012-01-06T14:13:00.003-06:00

You enter the words "freedom", "God" and "Reagan" into it, and it spits out a 25-minute acceptance speech suitable for caucus or primary-state victory celebrations.

Anybody try to steal this idea, and my patent lawyers will be on you faster than you can spit.

TV Commercial Report Card

2011-12-06T15:33:00.008-06:00

Hey America. 100 Words has been too lazy to write, I mean on hiatus lately, so here's a report card on the endangered species we call Ye Olde Televisione Commerciale.

The 12 readers of this blog know I love Goodby, but I find this ad fundamentally dishonest. What, the old fat guy didn't notice 5 cameras standing around filming him, not to mention a bunch of ad jerks like me drinking Starbucks and eating craft-service taquitos? How again was this spontaneous? C.

Every time I do a dialogue commercial I think ‘I’m never doing a dialogue commercial again’, because actors can’t act it, directors can’t direct it and writers like me can’t write it. This proves I was wrong. A.

Aaron Rodgers is doing the WWF-belt thing a lot less this year. Maybe because I said it was beneath him last year when he was doing it after every score. Docked a half-point because I couldn’t understand what the guy with the cheesehead was saying at the end until I’d seen it about six times. A-.

Old school, but sometimes old school is so old school it’s new school. State Farm’s work is getting a lot more interesting. PS How'd they get Adrian Brody? B.

These people all need to be killed. And to steal a line from Bob Winter, how embarrassing for those cars. D.

Sign of the times

2011-10-19T13:37:00.003-05:00

Steve Jobs was the best creative director ever

2011-10-09T10:10:00.003-05:00

Here he is introducing the 'Think Different' campaign to colleagues at Apple. CDs, account people, planners, take note. This is how it's done.

Creative Philanthropy

2011-09-22T21:09:00.002-05:00

Brandon Knowlden is an art director at my agency. We share a wall, and an account (Porsche.)

But that's about where the similarity ends. Brandon rocks a mohawk, brings page and screen to life with killer designs, and is about to run the Chicago marathon. None of which I will be doing anytime soon.

Even more impressive, Brandon is raising money for the American Liver Foundation by asking people to sponsor a portion of his marathon run. And when you do, you'll not only rack up karma points. You'll get a poster designed by Brandon and written by ace wordslinger Rich Black, who works across the hall from me.

Sponsor Brandon's run by clicking here.

Boardwalk Empire takes over the NYC subway

2011-09-14T09:12:00.002-05:00

Talk about experiential advertising.

Here's the whole deal.

The Hybrid Creative

2011-09-12T19:15:00.003-05:00

This is not a blindingly original insight but I thought it was unusually well-worded, and in of all places, mudslinging, bitter-creative-populated Agency Spy. From a poster:

"Anyone who really knows what's going on realizes the business is moving - sometimes running, sometimes crawling - towards a hybrid model, where truly gifted creatives will know how to tell and sell their visions in whatever box the consumer is paying attention to that week."

That's all. I just thought it was true.

What is art?

2011-08-25T23:25:00.005-05:00

There's a fascinating movie I recommend you see. It's called 'My Kid Could Paint That.' What's fascinating about it isn't the story so much, about a three-year-old artist to whom people pay thousands for her work. It's about the nature of art, what people see in it, why it matters to them, what it's worth, and whether it is in fact art.

Tonight I finally saw this, a 30-foot high statue of Marilyn Monroe, on Michigan Avenue. I find it just awful. But as you can see from the picture, people are interacting with it, leaning against it, taking pictures up her blown-up skirt. And that doesn't even count the dozen or so tourists next to me taking pictures.

If art causes a reaction, if it invites involvement, then Marilyn is art.

Paul Revere: friend of the British

2011-06-03T14:37:00.004-05:00

I know I need to stop writing about Palin. I know this is a blog about marketing. I know I need to go on a 12-step quit-Palin program.

But like Ennis Del Mar said to Jack Twist, "I can't quit you, Sarah Barracuda." Especially when she gives and gives and gives, like in this bit of revisionist history.

After this: I stop. I swear.

Totally narcicissistic. Completely brilliant.

2011-06-01T20:06:00.003-05:00

Simple, undemanding, beautifully-executed. Hot sauce!

The Intel Museum of Me. Or you, if you click here.

Obama!

2011-05-02T19:08:00.004-05:00

I'll admit, I was going to post something about 'without Facebook, where would we get our news?', based on my daughter's sharing with me the news of Bin Laden's death last night from reading about it on Facebook and Twitter, whereupon I went to all the mainstream news sites like Yahoo and CNN and they had nothing. Social rules the day again.

But then a friend sent me this, and I thought it was even better. My apologies about the language.

That "Friday" song: what in the hell is going on?

2011-04-22T16:04:00.006-05:00

A month ago, my daughters showed me this. It was three days after it came out. It already had 12 million views.

A few weeks later, I was shooting at a Porsche dealership, and five people were gathered around an iPhone, watching it. At a place that sells $100,000 cars.

Today, I saw it's up to 119 million hits.

I'm not going to say this is a sign of the apocalypse. I just don't get it. I mean, it's a bad song, cheesy video, inane lyrics. But 119 million hits?

It's too big for me to wrap my head around. The enormity of it is crushing me. I'm a speck in the universe. I am but a shell of a man. I am Brundlefly and Rebecca Black is a big gigantic rock.

Do you need a reason to drive a Porsche every day?

2011-03-25T23:09:00.005-05:00

Maybe not. But if you do, there are about 500 reasons to at the new site I just finished.

Here's the link:

http://www.porscheeveryday.com

Note to all those thinking about building a site around 500 pieces of content: talk to me first. I just might give you 500 reasons not to, starting with marriage and sanity preservation.

But, I'm pretty proud of it. Visit it, share it, enjoy it. Thanks.

Santa Monica

2011-03-14T23:57:00.004-05:00

After 10 hours in dark editing bays, I wanted to see the ocean my last day in town. I decided to go for a run to Santa Monica Pier and back. On the way to the pier, the sun behind me sank closer to the ocean. I ran hard so I could see it set on the way back: a little contest. As I made the turn, it was just above the water. I ran past people standing along the bluff, watching, photographing. As just a sliver of sun remained above the water, I ran past a cluster of palm trees. Clearing them, the sun had slipped into the Pacific. I saw a dolphin 10 feet offshore, jumping in and out of the water.

Animated songbirds did not appear around my head at this point, as my client suggested at dinner later that night. Still, it was pretty cool.

Farewell, Santa Monica.

Thoughts on travel

2011-03-10T09:52:00.002-06:00

I’ve been traveling a lot the last few months scheming ways to get people to buy small, expensive German sports cars. Some thoughts from the road.

LAX, which must be ground zero of cel phone usage, has zero cel service. Why.

A rental car bus after a long plane ride is the worst place in the world to be.

At a time when airlines are charging for everything but reclining your seat, why doesn’t every plane in the world have wifi? I’d pay 10 bucks for it for a puddle-jump to Detroit.

When you’ve traveled 1700 miles and you’ve carried your bags every step of the way, do you really need a dude at the hotel to carry them another 20 feet to the front desk?

I think the airlines sit around and dream up ways to annoy you.

I had Pinkberry for the first time. I hate the word amazing, but that stuff was amazing.

Imitation is the sincerest form of, um, not having your own idea

2011-02-10T23:13:00.005-06:00

They say good artists borrow and great artists steal. If that's the case, Mercedes' ad agency is staffed with a bunch of freaking Picassos.

Below, my spot for the Porsche Panamera:

And below, Mercedes' "homage" to it that ran in the Super Bowl. My lawyers have advised me to use the word "homage":

Note to Mercedes: if you're going to steal, steal from the 1962 Tokyo Art Director's Annual. Not a spot your competitor ran just last year.

Super Bowl post-mortem: oh, the shame

2011-02-07T15:27:00.004-06:00

Every year, I tend to watch the Super Bowl with a group of people from outside the ad business.

And every year, I'm embarrassed to be in it.

This is the one day of the year when people actually stop talking to watch the commercials. They lean forward. They're excited.

And how do we, the ad industry, reward them for their excitement every year? With kicks in the crotch, punches to the face, and people smacked in the forehead with said product. Sight gags. Misogyny. An utter dearth of intelligence and anything resembling wit.

There were two, count them, two, great ads in the Super Bowl: the VW ad above, and Chrysler's brilliant ode to Detroit below.

Most of the rest were, as a CD of mine used to say, an extremely long walk for an extremely short reward.

The best Super Bowl ad you'll see tomorrow

2011-02-05T11:53:00.008-06:00

I haven't seen the rest of the ads. I just know it will be.

Facebook

2011-02-04T22:17:00.002-06:00

....is good for many things, but mostly A) stalking ex-girlfriends and B) getting birthday greetings.

I was reminded of this yesterday, when I got a lot of birthday greetings yesterday. Thanks everybody.

Armageddon Post #5: And then we came to the end

2011-01-25T15:49:00.000-06:00

When you root passionately for a team, you make a bargain: I give you my time and loyalty, you return it with competency.

Ideally, you get more than that in the bargain. But you at least deserve competency. That’s the baseline.

When you’ve got a quarterback who’s practically a rookie in the game, and it’s fourth and four, and the season is over if you don’t make the first down, and you have one time out left, call the time out. Give yourself time to draw up a play, and give your rookie quarterback time to gather himself.

That’s Football 101. That’s competency. That’s all I ask.

Back to marketing.

Armageddon Post #4: Eve of Destruction

2011-01-22T09:46:00.002-06:00

31 hours until the War to End All Wars. Somebody's heart is going to be crushed. Hope it's not mine.

I'm not going to make a prediction about the score of this game. This game's too serious for anything so frivolous as a prediction.

But if the Bears lose, it'll be because Jay Cutler did something boneheaded, and Aaron Rodgers didn't.

Armageddon Post #3: enough with the mutual respect, already

2011-01-20T23:02:00.001-06:00

The War to End All Wars is three days away, and I’m tired of hearing about how the Packers and Bears “respect” each other.

This is football, man. It’s blood sport! Men running down the field and crashing into each other, as my daughter summed up the game when she was five.

Give me the days when Packers wore Bear-player hit lists on their wristbands. Give me the days when Ditka would play a 300-pound man at fullback just to rub the Packers’ faces in it.

Let Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal respect each other. We need some good old-fashioned loathing.

Armageddon Post #2: I hate the Packers, but I love Wisconsin

2011-01-18T22:49:00.005-06:00

As the End of Days, the War to End All Wars and the mother of all battles draws nigh, I’ll admit this: I loathe the green and gold, but Wisconsin is eternally cool.

Wisconsin has culture. Wisconsin has soul. Point Beer. The Mars Cheese Castle. Friday night fish fries. The Brat Stop. The BoDeans. Fish boils. The Northwoods. “Roll Out The Barrel.” It goes on and on.

It’s amazing to me that Wisconsin borders Illinois, a state that without Chicago, would be Kansas, a vast plain of nothingness.

True story: When I was in college, Wisconsin visited us for a football game, lost, and their fans tore down our goal posts

You gotta love Wisconsin.

Armageddon Post #1: Jay Cutler

2011-01-17T10:09:00.004-06:00

This is the first of 100 Ad Words posts about Armageddon, the Game of the Century, the War to End All Wars: this weekend's Bears/Packers game at historic Soldier Field for the right to go to the Super Bowl.

I know this has nothing to do with marketing. But what the hell.

Okay, so I've always thought Jay Cutler has a punch-me face. But the more I read about him (his diabetes work, his work with sick kids, helping Aaron Rodgers' nephew get assimilated at Vanderbilt University) the more he seems like he might actually be a good guy who just doesn't care about his public image. Crazy, right?

Funniest spot on TV in a while

2011-01-09T15:05:00.004-06:00

Kevin Bacon as....Kevin Bacon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6_-PIELd6U

The only surprise is it took this long

2011-01-08T22:48:00.002-06:00

The Congresswoman gunned down in Arizona today.

Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Sharron Angle: you reap what you sow.

Pure Creativity: An Interview with Tom Lichtenheld

2010-12-26T18:17:00.004-06:00

Rare is the person who achieves legendary status in two fields in his lifetime. There's George Foreman, and there’s Tom Lichtenheld, art director extraordinaire and best-selling children's book author. In the third installment of the 100 Words Artists-In-Residence Series, we talk to Tom about ideas, freedom and his duo-tone hair.

1W: How is making children's books different from making ads?

TL: The ideas come from within, rather than from a client who's paying me to use my creativity to deliver their message camouflaged as entertainment. Of course, I have editors who have to embrace my ideas, but they're not dictating direction from the onset. So it's a more joyful process of pure creativity. And the logos are small. The downside of this freedom and control is that I'm absorbing more of the risk; if my books aren't interesting they don't sell, and I fail.

There are two great similarities between advertising and children's books.
1. A book has to have idea at its core.
2. You're communicating with people at the level of a third grader.

1W: What's the strangest thing a kid ever said to you?

TL: "How do you make your hair two colors at once?" (A little context here; I'm a graying, middle-aged man.) I also get a lot of notes from kids after doing school appearances. One of the gems is above.

1W: First Alex Bogusky leaves the business. Now you. Where have all the legends gone? What's wrong with advertising, fella?

TL: There's nothing wrong with advertising. In fact, I'm more amazed by it through the rear-view mirror. Much to the consternation of rationally-minded corporate leaders, advertising is a mysterious art form they're forced to sponsor; an art that keeps thousands of otherwise useless creative people in groceries while greasing the wheels of our economy. I love it and it's been very good to me. But I've always admired people who have multiple careers and am lucky enough to have found a second one for myself.

1W: Where do you get your ideas?

TL: From watching kids, thinking like a kid, talking with friends about silly little things. And I will often give myself an assignment; a brief. For instance, my recent book "Bridget's Beret" was a self-assignment. After my first five books, I realized I'd not created a narrative story, and I'd not written a book aimed at girls, so I wrote this book. Right now, my self-assignments are 1.) doing a wordless picture book, 2.) writing a book to be illustrated by someone who's a better illustrator than I am, and 3.) doing a book in black-and-white.

1W: What are you wearing right now?

TL: Red sweater from Target and cheap jeans, because the only other people in my studio are cats and they don't give a hairball about fashion.

Thanks Tom! Check out all of Tom's creations and books (they make great Christmas gifts) at http://tomlichtenheld.wordpress.com/

I hate my iPhone

2010-12-18T13:50:00.002-06:00

I have a good friend (I know this is weird) with whom I communicate almost strictly through voice mails. He leaves me one, I leave him one, often 4-5 minutes at a time. The other day I had to call back four times to get through one of his messages, because my iPhone kept dropping the calls.

That's when I decided: I hate my iPhone.

As a mini computer, it's great. As a phone, it's terrible. And I don't buy that it's AT&T's bad network. Voice quality is awful too.

When I was at Leo Burnett, they talked about brand believers and brand hostages. With Apple, I'm both.

Since I know Steve Jobs himself reads this blog (he's posted here-see his response to my earlier posts about the iPad), note to Steve: make the iPhone a better phone or I'm going Droid.

What will the banjo player in the Menard's commercials do?

2010-12-13T23:00:00.001-06:00

Earlier today, Congress passed a bill called the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act (also known ad the CALM Act). This bill could prevent advertisers from forcing annoyingly loud commercials on us by making them abide to volume control guidelines.

If you've seen my reel, 'annoyingly loud commercials' is the Department of Redundancy Department.

Hollywood scribe lays a major smack-down on Palin

2010-12-09T21:17:00.003-06:00

I'm trying to stay away from writing about politics. Truly I am. But this open letter to Sarah Palin from screenwriting legend Aaron Sorkin, about her reality show Sarah Palin's Alaska, was too good to pass up:

"Unless you've never worn leather shoes, sat upon a leather chair or eaten meat, save your condemnation."

You're right, Sarah, we'll all just go fuck ourselves now.

The snotty quote was posted by Sarah Palin on (like all the great frontier women who've come before her) her Facebook page to respond to the criticism she knew and hoped would be coming after she hunted, killed and carved up a Caribou during a segment of her truly awful reality show, Sarah Palin's Alaska, broadcast on The-Now-Hilariously-Titled Learning Channel.

I eat meat, chicken and fish, have shoes and furniture made of leather, and PETA is not ever going to put me on the cover of their brochure and for these reasons Palin thinks it's hypocritical of me to find what she did heart-stoppingly disgusting. I don't think it is, and here's why.

Like 95% of the people I know, I don't have a visceral (look it up) problem eating meat or wearing a belt. But like absolutely everybody I know, I don't relish the idea of torturing animals. I don't enjoy the fact that they're dead and I certainly don't want to volunteer to be the one to kill them and if I were picked to be the one to kill them in some kind of Lottery-from-Hell, I wouldn't do a little dance of joy while I was slicing the animal apart.

I'm able to make a distinction between you and me without feeling the least bit hypocritical. I don't watch snuff films and you make them. You weren't killing that animal for food or shelter or even fashion, you were killing it for fun. You enjoy killing animals. I can make the distinction between the two of us but I've tried and tried and for the life of me, I can't make a distinction between what you get paid to do and what Michael Vick went to prison for doing. I'm able to make the distinction with no pangs of hypocrisy even though I get happy every time one of you faux-macho shitheads accidentally shoots another one of you in the face.

So I don't think I will save my condemnation, you phony pioneer girl. (I'm in film and television, Cruella, and there was an insert close-up of your manicure while you were roughing it in God's country. I know exactly how many feet off camera your hair and make-up trailer was.)

And you didn't just do it for fun and you didn't just do it for money. That was the first moose ever murdered for political gain. You knew there'd be a protest from PETA and you knew that would be an opportunity to hate on some people, you witless bully. What a uniter you'd be -- bringing the right together with the far right.

(Let me be the first to say that I abused cocaine and was arrested for it in April 2001. I want to be the first to say it so that when Palin's Army of Arrogant Assholes, bereft of any reasonable rebuttal, write it all over the internet tomorrow they will at best be the second.)

I eat meat, there are leather chairs in my office, Sarah Palin is deranged and The Learning Channel should be ashamed of itself.

2010's top searches

2010-12-04T00:21:00.001-06:00

For the first time in at least five years, a celebrity did not top Yahoo’s annual list of most popular search requests. That distinction this year went to the worst oil spill in U.S. history.

And once again, I got snubbed.

1. BP oil spill
2. World Cup
3. Miley Cyrus
4. Kim Kardashian
5. Lady Gaga
6. iPhone
7. Megan Fox
8. Justin Bieber
9. American Idol
10. Britney Spears

TJ Maxx and the hidden $399 iPads

2010-11-29T17:27:00.002-06:00

TJ Maxx is doing something pretty smart right now. They’ve put it out there that ‘at select stores’, iPads are selling for $399.

How many stores are they in? 5? 500? (Are there even 500 TJ Maxx stores?) Was this the master plan or a happy accident? Does this mean the iPad2 is just around the corner?

So many questions. So few answers. Such a brilliant idea. Thousands of Apple fanboys walk in for an iPad, walk out with a George Foreman grill and a set of salt and pepper shakers.

I'm thankful for:

2010-11-25T13:47:00.002-06:00

Three football games today. Weber grills. Only needing to make it through three more months of intolerable weather. Whoever invented the Fender Telecaster. My excellent job. That I have a job. My boy saying to me the other day, "there's nothing greater than watching sports with my Dad.' The documentary 'Art & Copy'. The new Goodby spot thanking the taxpayers for bailing out GM. That Goodby's finally starting to do good work on GM. That there is a Goodby, the best agency there is. Steven Chu. Pecan pie. Pugs.

Taylor Swift, transvestites, "Milkcow Blues" and the swingingest man in show business

2010-11-18T17:01:00.005-06:00

What does Western Swing music have to do with marketing? Absolutely nothing, but maybe it should. Today, the second installment of the 100 Words Artists in Residence Series talks to Western Swing legend John England (above, the one on the right), leader of John England and the Western Swingers, former sideman of Loretta Lynn, friend of Dolly, the handsomest man in music, and the one who has always made the ladies swoon.

1W: Why hasn’t Western Swing been used in more ads?

JE: Our albums just haven't crossed enough desks at the ad agencies. I do see country songs like "Your Cheatin Heart" and "Another Day, Another Dollar" getting some action, so I'll keep my hopes up for Western Swing, too.

1W: What’s the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to you on stage?

JE: Well, there was one gig where transvestites danced on the bar with no undies. That weird enough fer ya?

1W: Best song ever written?

JE: I'm supposed to say "Faded Love", but I'm not really monogamous, song-wise. Right now, I'm flirting with a cute little tune called "I Laugh When I Think How I Cried Over You". My long time steady is "Time Changes Everything", and my backdoor woman is "Milkcow Blues".

1W: How would you describe the current state of country music?

JE: There's more variety than most folks realize. Taylor Swift, Dave Cox, and Bobby Flores are some of my favorites, but I'll bet you ain't heard of 2 of 'em. I think there are about as many good songs as there ever were, but we usually think otherwise because bad songs are forgettable.

1W: 100 Words has a sizable following of Tea-Partiers. Anything you’d like to say to them?

JE: Yes --- you guys are right about everything! If you say anything else, it really pisses them off. Seriously, most TPs (and most liberals, too) love our country, and want to see it do well. The thing I hate to see is that we're not working TOGETHER to move our country forward. It's time for EVERYBODY to cut out the name-calling. The guy on the other side of the fence ain't wrong about EVERYTHING, and you're not right about EVERYTHING, either.

1W: Well said. What are you wearing right now?

JE: Cowboy hat & boots, of course.

Thanks John! Ahh-hahhhh!

Grow a pair, Barack

2010-11-09T00:07:00.003-06:00

Last week I shot a print campaign with a New York photographer who just a few days before had shot George W. Bush. He said Bush seemed traumatized by the job (which is only fair -- Bush traumatized me). Last night on “60 Minutes”, I thought the same thing about Obama.

Geez, Barack, could you be even more defensive? “We did what we did to prevent an economic meltdown.” No, you didn’t. You did what you did because you wanted to do (and want to do) Big Things. And health care reform, financial reform, the education and energy bill (I’m going to start calling it that instead of the stimulus and see if it catches on), saving the US auto industry, and freeing up stem cell research are Big Things. So say it.

As my 12 readers know, I love the guy. I worked on his election campaign. I think he’s doing a great job in an almost impossible situation. But he really needs to find a way to talk about it. Otherwise in two years you may as well hand the asylum key to the inmates.

If he won't, this site will have to do:

www.whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com

The Election

2010-11-03T08:44:00.003-05:00

It's James Carville's axiom all over again: it's the economy, stupid. People aren't voting FOR Republicans; there's nothing there to vote for, in that the Republicans haven't put forth any actual solutions. People are voting against the state of the economy and unemployment figures. Which is understandable.

The problem (if you want to call it that) with Obama's accomplishments are most of them are long-term investments whose greater benefit will be felt down the road: health-care reform, financial reform, the energy and education investments of the stimulus bill. And people aren't capable of looking five minutes down the road, let alone five years. We're all about immediate gratification, and what's immediate for the American people is 'I don't have a job.' That and who's on Dancing With The Stars tonight (I think it's Bristol Palin).

Tea Party anger: It's time-release, just like those tiny time-capsule pills!

2010-10-26T19:48:00.001-05:00

The Tea Party is angry. Angry angry angry! Angry at government (“keep your government hands off my Medicare!” they say, without an ounce of self-awareness.) Angry at spending. Angry that angry white men don’t rule the world anymore (okay, they don’t come out and say that exactly, but it’s as much a part of the Tea Party and its anger as country music and powdered wigs.)

But here’s what I wonder: where was that anger eight years ago, when George Bush was driving this country into a ditch behind the wheel of a big honking vehicle called the Iraq War, to the tune of $800 billion? Now that’s some government spending the Tea Party could have gotten good and worked up about! But like tiny time pills past their sell-by date, that anger took eight years to kick in.

Oh, that’s right. Back then, the president wasn’t black.

'The Social Network', New York moviegoing, and sad-ass billionaires

2010-10-21T20:17:00.000-05:00

I was in New York the last few days casting for some TV spots, and I went to see 'The Social Network'. A few thoughts:

It's a lock for best screenplay. Quick, layered dialogue.

It's a lock for best actor (Jesse Eisenberg), best supporting actor (Justin Timberlake), and best director nominations (David Fincher, duh.)

I felt sorry for Mark Zuckerberg. A sad, socially inept creature (at least in the movie).

Movies in New York cost $13. $13!

Lots of people go see movies in New York. THREE WEEKS after it came out, on a Wednesday night, the theatre was packed. I sat in the front row, staring straight up.

Finally, it's a pleasure to watch a well-shot, well-written, well-acted mainstream Hollywood studio picture.

And great tag line.

I was right about the iPad

2010-10-19T12:53:00.000-05:00

The 12 readers of 100 Words will remember I got a lot of grief six months ago from some people (one of whose initials are CLARK) regarding my bold prediction that the iPad would be a success, but not an iPhone-level success.

Well, it turns out I was bang-on. Apple just released its quarterly results, during which they sold 14.2 million iPhones. iPad sales in the same period? 4.1 million, which fell 600,000 units short of analysts’ expectations.

Does that make the iPad a failure? Does that mean it won’t be a force in publishing and movies and a deservedly prominent part of any marketing mix? Does that mean I’m not getting one (when the Gen-2 version with the camera comes out)? Hells no! It just means it’s not a ubiquitous, iPhone-level game changer. Just like I predicted.

Call me Nostra-Doyle.

Are newspapers dead?

2010-10-08T20:13:00.000-05:00

Design legend Ron Reason (above, left) weighs in for the first segment of the 100 Words Artists-in-Residence Series. Ron has redesigned newspapers from Walla Walla to the Wall Street Journal. Today, we ask Ron about design, the new Gap logo, the iPad and whether he's wearing any pants.

1W: Why does design matter?

RR: So people can find, use and enjoy things more.

1W: What's the best-designed paper in the country right now?

RR: The New York Times. Its format lets readers find, use and enjoy the content quickly, and reinforces its brand - authoritative, orderly, smart.

1W: What paper needs the most help, design-wise?

RR: Any paper that has found itself in a state of severe attrition over the past few years - and there are many of them - but hasn't started from scratch. Many of them look anemic or like they are choking to death.

1W: Is there any hope for newspapers in the digital age?

RR: This is a huge readjustment period for newspapers. I'm hearing from clients that things are stable for now. They aren't making 30% profit margins like in the past (goodbye, classifieds) but they are doing OK. The challenge is how to put out a product that anyone wants - staffs have been cut so drastically.

1W: Is the iPad the savior of newspapers?

RR: Not anytime soon. So few people have them, the money isn't there and won't be anytime soon. But, in 5-10 years, will so many people have a tablet (not just iPad) that it will be the new thing? Will the revenue sharing be worked out with Apple and others that it all makes sense? Once newspapers ditch their printing presses, newsprint purchases, delivery trucks (and related staff), it just might work out. But that's going to be another huge shakedown and readjustment for the industry.

1W: Your thoughts on the new Gap logo?

RR: I haven't been in a Gap in 15 years.

1W: What are you wearing right now?

RR: Pants.

Thanks Ron! Stay tuned for the next installment of the 100 Words Artist-in-Residence Series, where we interview western swing music legend John England.

The case for Obama

2010-09-26T14:49:00.000-05:00

He saved the US auto industry. He rescued the banks. He brought the financial system back from the brink of meltdown. He got us out of Iraq. He made the world hate us less. He reformed a terrible health care system. He passed financial reform. He got hundreds of thousands of CO2-spouting cars off the road, forever. He pushed through a stimulus that is changing how America approaches energy and education (unfortunately, he sold it as a jobs bill.) We have not been attacked. And Michelle has an organic garden in the back yard of the White House.

Commercials with my name in them

2010-09-15T20:48:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is. I guess I just have a compelling name.

Announcing 100 Words Mach II. Huzzah!

2010-09-10T11:02:00.000-05:00

My 12 readers have been clamoring for 100 Ad Words content beyond the sphere of advertising. They say, “Hey 100 Ad Words, why do you just write about marketing? How about politics? The time-space continuum? Would it kill ya to publish a damn Rice Krispie Treat recipe every once in a while?’”

Well, 100 Ad Words has nothing if not its ear to the ground. So from now on, its scope will be expanded from just marketing, to marketing and everything else. And inevitably, more columns about Sarah Palin.

The CK Cultural Dictionary

2010-07-12T15:56:00.000-05:00

Learn what’s what. Get in on the latest of the latest. Speak jargon with the best of them. Be a cultural savant. Discover what is and what shall be.

http://www.c-k.com/cultural-dictionary

Does Cannes Matter?

2010-06-21T09:42:00.000-05:00

The head of recruiting at Leo Burnett, my old agency, has started a blog about his impending trip to Cannes. He’s affixing a camera to his glasses to record the parties and various goings-on.

So I’m thinking: the advertising business is changing in fundamental ways every day. The point of an agency and the definition of advertising itself being called into question. The ground is shifting beneath our feet. Does anybody else think figuring out this new reality matters more than awarding ourselves for it? Or wearing video glasses to Cannes to capture it all?

Don’t get me wrong: Great work matters more than ever. Figuring out how to reach people when mass-media advertising grows more passe by the day matters more than ever. I just wonder if Cannes matters.

WWAGD?

2010-06-06T14:10:00.001-05:00

What would Amando Gallaraga do?

That's the question a neighbor posed to me when I was complaining about my various complaints today.

What would the Detroit Tigers pitcher who lost a perfect game on a bad call and was gracious enough to feel bad about the umpire do?

I'm going to try to think WWAGD every day.

Somebody had to say it

2010-05-24T13:28:00.000-05:00

And of course, it was The Onion. On Foursquare:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-social-networking-site-changing-the-way-oh-chr,17465/

Brand Palin

2010-05-05T23:21:00.000-05:00

Former White House Social Secretary Desiree Rogers got into a lot of trouble recently for using the term ‘Brand Obama.’ But compared to Sarah Palin, Barack Obama is store-brand string cheese. Sarah Palin? Now THAT’S a brand.

I realized this a couple of week ago when I posted what it’d be like if Sarah Palin was my client, and my hits went through the roof. They increased tenfold. Now admittedly that means 20 a day instead of 2. But still.

People feel strongly about Sarah Palin. There is no middle ground. She’s not trying to be all things to all people. She has a clear world view.

And when you think about it, this should describe your brand. If it doesn’t, you’re doing something wrong.

Just make sure your brand doesn’t favor shooting wolves from airplanes.

Deconstructing some random McDonald’s ad against my will

2010-04-21T19:14:00.000-05:00

When I look at ads, I have this voice in my head I can’t turn off. I fill in the backstory – the fights, the compromises, the small victories. Of course, I have no idea if all this happened or not. But I imagine it to be.

I saw this ad yesterday from my old shop, Leo Burnett. I like this campaign. Yes, the missing-letter thing has been done before, but it’s simple, clear, fairly charming – and it’s a campaign, not awards-bait one-offs like McDonald’s is known for doing in outdoor.

But back to the voices in my head. Here’s what I think took place in the development of it.

The small $1 balloon was a battle. The client wanted it bigger and horsier; the agency wanted it smaller and more tasteful. Score one for the agency.

The writer originally wrote the headline without the word ‘real’ in front of it, but somebody made them put that in. Who knows why.

The proofreader suggested a comma after 'born' but the writer said no.

I might be totally off-base. If anyone out there knows what went down, please post here.

If Sarah Palin was my client

2010-04-12T20:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday at the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, Sarah Palin debunked ‘that snake-oil science stuff’.

It got me to thinking: if Sarah Palin was my client, she wouldn’t go in for that fancy-pants strategy those East coast elitist planners came up with.

She wouldn’t subscribe to that think-tank-like research methodology espoused by those pointy-headed account people.

She'd have no use for that liberal-egghead multi-variant testing we’re doing on our digital work right now.

Nope, Sarah Palin would just have me to bring her those gosh-darned ideas that real, hard-working Americans love and appreciate, you betcha.

Hmmm...maybe Sara Palin wouldn’t be such a bad client after all. Life would be simpler. Life would be better.

I can't leave the house tomorrow, because I’m going to get struck by lightning for what I just wrote.

My fearless (but ultimately accurate) iPad prediction

2010-04-05T21:43:00.000-05:00

I played around with it today. It’ll be a success. But not an iPhone or iPod-level success.

Two reasons. One, people won’t want to carry around another device. They already carry around a phone and a laptop.

And two, it won’t replace the laptop because typing on is still iPhone-terrible. And people do still type.

Wait for the MacBook with iPad-like touch-screen functionality, people. It’s coming.

Let's all go to the DMV (as opposed to SXSW)

2010-03-27T08:10:00.000-05:00

I'm going to openly plagiarize something I read today because it's so awesome. It's from Ad Contrarian, a blog you should read.

He says, "I'm thinking of making a monthly trip to the DMV a condition of employment for everyone on my staff.

"I want them to see what the people they're making ads for really look like. I want them to see the people they never see at the restaurants they go to; never see at the bars they frequent; never see at the focus groups they attend; and never hear from on Twitter.

"In other words, I want them to see the 'consumer' they're all so very certain they know everything about."

Gratitude

2010-03-25T20:21:00.000-05:00

It’s not easy to do great work for a certain client of mine. Not impossible, but not easy. But they are grateful for what we do. They never take it for granted. They value us.

It’s amazing what a difference that makes.

At the risk of sounding like one of those weird billboards you see on highways: Gratitude. Pass it on.

Unintended acceleration from an unintended car

2010-03-10T09:25:00.001-06:00

When I worked on various GM brands back in the early 2000's, a consultant came in and gave a presentation that, in hindsight, was amazingly prophetic. He said people increasingly see cars not as cars, but as appliances. They don't want involvement and excitement from a car. They want a blender.

I love cars. I've always owned sporty cars. Until a few years ago when, due to creeping environmental consciousness, I bought a Prius.

And you know what? My Prius was the ultimate appliance. It started. It propelled you to point B. It didn't break. The only difference between it and blender is it didn't make margaritas and it probably had lower emissions.

So the big question is, what happens when the appliance breaks? Especially when that's your whole reason for being?

Toyota is in trouble, because there's no emotional attachment to the brand. You don't love an appliance. You want it to work. And when it doesn't, you move on to the appliance that does.

The Olympics

2010-03-01T17:53:00.000-06:00

My favorite clients are the ones that know their brand, and are secure in their brand. It just makes life easier all around.

Having sat through two weeks of a lot of Olympic programming, I can say this: NBC sure knows their brand. Stories, national anthems, tears, drama, controversy. They do it every damn time. And it works every damn time.

The other thing about the Olympics is, you have to respect the interest NBC generates for things you're generally not interested in. That is the job we are faced with every day.

If NBC can make the nordic combined fascinating, I can make tax-efficient bonds fascinating. Therein lies inspiration.

The best website of 2010. So far.

2010-02-15T09:07:00.001-06:00

http://selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com

Celery: the loud 'n proud veggie!

2010-02-11T22:43:00.001-06:00

Thus ends the mini-series of 100 Words postings suggested by my friend Pat Scullin of the great Ames Scullin O’Haire agency in Atlanta, Georgia. Pat’s final and perhaps most provocative topic: Celery…the loud ‘n proud veggie!

Hmmm…not sure what to do with that.

I’ll just say this: if you students out there are putting together a portfolio, or even if you’re a vet bolstering your portfolio with spec ads (never a bad idea), try doing a campaign on celery.

I’m always a lot more impressed with book ads about difficult products (insurance, toilet paper, prostate pills) than I am by ads about easy products (Amnesty International, beer, 4-hour erection pills
.) Good ads for hard products = Gary Doyle’s respect.

So kids (and old guys who are kids at heart), make a killer campaign about celery.

Super Bowl ads – worth the $3 mil or not?

2010-02-05T19:12:00.000-06:00

No.

Maybe if your product message involves somebody getting kicked in the crotch or lighting farts on fire.

But even then…no.

Kittens and their inherent danger to humanity

2010-01-30T09:55:00.001-06:00

A guy I work with has a great quote about cats: they always want a dollar. They’re always like, ‘Gimme a dollar, gimme a dollar, gimme a dollar.’ That’s all you get from cats. And do cats ever give you a dollar back? No.

Cats are the keys to the digital kingdom, too. All you have to do is film kittens doing anything, scratching a post to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, put it on youtube, and you’ll get 400,000 hits, guaranteed.

I’m working on a project right now that calls for in-banner videos. The product has nothing to do with cats. In fact, it’s antithetical to cats. But my idea was to put 17 cats inside that product, interacting with that product, maybe even licking it like they do their fur. And you know what? That ad would get eyeballs. It would get clicks. But it would have been a terrible ad. My client’s brand would be damaged. And I might very well get fired.

Proving again my friend Pat Scullin’s adage: kittens are an inherent danger to humanity.

An uncaring world and why we should care

2010-01-26T21:48:00.000-06:00

Lately I’ve been so busy making ads for sports cars and prostate pills that I haven’t had time to keep up with the ol’ blog. And America is getting frustrated with that. Well, not really ‘America’ per se, but my one faithful reader, Patrick Scullin, creative head of the great Ames Scullin O’Haire agency in Atlanta, Georgia. (See his blog link to the right, The Lint Screen.)

Pat is so frustrated by my output lately that he suggested the next four topics I could blog on. So, the next four blog ideas come from Pat. Starting with this one:

AN UNCARING WORLD AND WHY WE SHOULD CARE.

Because advertising is perhaps the most powerful art form ever invented. Wield that power wisely.

Avatar: 3 Thumbs Up

2010-01-07T10:17:00.000-06:00

Take one thumb away for the usual Cameron-esque clunky dialogue. Take another thumb away for the plot recycled from Pocahantas and Dances With Wolves. Take another thumb for the non-dimensional characters. You now have less than zero thumbs. Luckily, you can add a thumb for the unbelievable visuals. And another thumb for the unbelievable visuals. And another for the unbelievable visuals. And one more for 3-D used in an intelligent, nuanced way that's immersive rather than assaultive. 'Jawdropping' is a movie-review cliche, but my jaw literally dropped for much of 'Avatar'. It's a must-see.

Life, and Site Lessons

2009-12-15T13:08:00.000-06:00

This was sent to me by my colleague Markendaya. Read it for its touching story, clean navigation, beautiful photography, and life wisdom.

http://www.dayswithmyfather.com

Tiger Woods and the death of celebrity endorsement

2009-12-11T22:06:00.001-06:00

When I was working at Leo Burnett, I got an assignment to come up with a campaign for Allstate to replace the one that’s running now with Dennis Haysbert, just in case he got hit by a bus or arrested in a public bathroom in Venice, California. At the time I thought, just get another guy.

The problem now for Accenture, Schick, (until recently) Buick and other advertisers who rely exclusively on Tiger Woods is: you can’t get another guy. He is your guy. He’s your brand.

That’s the thing with celebrity endorsement in America today. It used to be a celebrity could stand for your brand because the aspect or personality trait that celebrity possessed which pertained to your brand could be controlled. Now, there is no control. Everything is fair game. There are no rules. And if your brand is tied to that celebrity, you’re at the mercy of the melee. Good luck to you.

PS What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They’re both clubbed by Norwegians. Sorry, couldn’t resist.

Thus Ends the List Experiment

2009-12-04T17:37:00.001-06:00

Knowing America likes lists, I built the last few blog posts around lists as a grand experiment to see if it would increase my hits. According to Stat Counter analytics, hits to 100 Words increased 12% in the 12-hour period following immediate postings over previous post rates.

As this threatens to make 100 Words TOO popular, and in order to retain its under-the-radar street cred, it makes sense to return to normal-theme marketing posts. Though I admit, I was tempted to move on to babies and kittens.

4 Notable Things From Watching Football Lately

2009-11-03T08:38:00.000-06:00

1) The NFL breast-cancer awareness campaign has been superb. I am guessing the aim is to get football-watching husbands to remind their wives to get examined, in which case it is damn smart. And you have to love the pink cleats.

2) The latest Southwest baggage-handler ads are fantastic. Well-acted, well-edited, good music, great idea, and a real kick in the teeth to Uniteds and Americans of the world.

3) The Sprint Now Network ads are fun to watch, though I don’t understand them.

4) Jeff Bridges for Hyundai is the best car VO ever.

6 Things People Have Said About My New Haircut

2009-10-23T18:48:00.000-05:00

“Nice haircut.”

“Did you get your hairs cut?”

“Trendy.”

“High and tight.”

“Signing up for the military?”

“You got your hair cut.”

I just thought I’d pass these along because my haircut has gotten an unusual amount of commentary.

I know this has nothing to do with advertising. Although I would say hair is an important part of this industry. Look at Alex Bogusky and Richard Kirshenbaum.

If you have any thoughts on my haircut, please weigh in.

4 Reasons I Hated 'A Serious Man'

2009-10-19T19:14:00.000-05:00

1. It's slow. It makes 'The Man Who Wasn't There' seem like 'Transformers'.

2. Michael Stuhlbarg is as compelling as moonlight on putty.

3. The plot (or lack of it) makes 'No Country For Old Men' seem as convoluted as 'The Manchurian Candidate.'

4. Now I understand why the Coen Brothers are directing commercials.

5 Things I Learned Making a Documentary

2009-10-16T17:58:00.000-05:00

1) It’s hard to hold interest for 30 minutes. It’s hard for a 30-second commercial. Hell, it’s hard for a 100-word blog post. A documentary is really hard.

2) You film it, then find a theme – not the other way around.

3) It’s all about the editing.

4) There’s no craft service on a documentary.

5) I want a Porsche.

Watch My Documentary Tonight, Won't You?

2009-10-14T08:44:00.000-05:00

It's called 'Welcome to the Family'. It's about Porsche owners. It's on Independent Film Channel at 9. Here's the commercial for it.

Olympic Fever?

2009-09-30T13:00:00.000-05:00

The 100 Words readership spans the globe, from Harvey Illinois to Terre Haute. So, many of you not in Chicago are no doubt wondering: does Chicago have Olympic Fever?

No.

We talk about the Bears, the weather, the Kardashian sisters. Nobody is talking about the Olympics. There is zero buzz.

Why?

One, the city is broke as a joke. Having to go to an ATM to feed a parking meter is of greater concern than the Games.

Two, the bid is a fabrication of government and big business. There was no citizen groundswell to bring in the Games. The ‘enthusiasm’ is wholly manufactured.

Third, the ad campaign for the bid is cold, arty and distant, conveying none of the joy and pure fun having the games would bring.

I am ambivalent about the Olympics. Just like the city.

Obama’s Health Care Campaign Is Failing For The Same Reasons Every Campaign Fails.

2009-09-19T10:03:00.000-05:00

Faulty strategy.
Unclear concept.
Lackluster execution.
And last but not least:
An extremely difficult client. The worst, actually. (Congress, and the American people).

It’s about time some damn body said it!

2009-09-13T21:48:00.000-05:00

I broke my elbow today. So Jeff Goodby is my guest writer.

This violates the 100 Words regulations on brevity, but since he's doing the writing, I figure it's okay.

Turns out advertising’s not dying after all.

Here it is, word for wonderful word.

SORRY BOB, AD WORLD'S NOT DYING. 2 STARS.
Well, as you always kind of suspected, Bob Garfield hates advertising. He even thinks it will die, at least in its mass-appeal form.
And big deal, he'd say. People hated that crap anyway.

What he doesn't exactly explain is: What are all those big advertisers going to do with all that money instead? Nor does he think there's much chance of you blindsided, slack-jawed advertising people evolving into something that could help answer that question.

OK, OK, let's back up.

Garfield's new book, "The Chaos Scenario," is a well-researched descent into what he gleefully sees as the fragmentation of mass media on a global scale. It's fun to watch the channels fly apart. It's the internet and DVRs that are causing all this, he says, with their heroic empowerment of the individual to call his or her own shots.

Along the way, he chronicles in great detail the inevitable demise of mere newspapers, tenuous magazines and teetering media empires. ("Boom goes the dynamite," he intones again and again, in a not especially charming way.) But he saves the real snickering for advertising people, who are basically riding an out-of-control steam train while lighting cigars with a vanishing stack of $100 bills.

According to "The Chaos Scenario," advertising is now in a screaming "death spiral," in which "fragmentation of an audience and DVR ad skipping lead to an exodus of advertisers, leading in turn to an exodus of capital, leading to a decline in the quality of content, leading to further audience defection, leading to further advertiser defection and so on to oblivion."

Oblivion. Jeez, I hope my kids don't read this.

Anyway, if it sounds like Bob seems to take a little too much pleasure in this last, uh, "scenario," it's because he does. A few random quotes: "Not to sound negative, but all ads are spam."

"The fact is, people care deeply -- sometimes perversely -- about consumer goods, from Tag Heuer to North Face to Tab. What they don't like is being dictated to about what they should care about or when they should be caring."

"Ad agencies are simply not organized in a way to profit from modern means of connecting with customers. So they pay lip service to the digital future while digging their heels into the 30-second-spot present."

Is there any chance we could save Little Nell? Garfield has some heart for consumer-generated things, and describes Legos' successful use of ideas and strategies collected from regular folk (we used to call those focus groups). He writes of Doritos' success with consumer-generated work on the Super Bowl last year. But you have only to look at the cover of Bob's book -- which was consumer-generated and consumer-selected -- to see that this might not be the future. Or at least the only future.

Garfield also likes "movements" -- upwellings of consumer sentiment that motivate companies to do what The People really want them to do. He cites the funny "Comcast Must Die" suggestion that he started himself. That particular reference, though, only seems to have created its own form of chaos lite, since Comcast is neither dead nor have they changed much in its wake.

That's about it for hope. The book's conclusion is: We're pretty much dead meat, treading water in the maelstrom of old-media fragmentation. What's next? Who knows?

But it's possible that Garfield's infatuation with chaos blinds this otherwise smart and acerbically witty guy to the possibility that paid, real advertising could morph itself into something people actually want to experience and seek out. Fifty years ago, San Francisco advertising man Howard Gossage said, "People read what they want to read. Sometimes it's advertising." It still could be, Bob.

There is simply too much money and corporate energy devoted to this cause for those budgets, and hopes, to disappear overnight. There will be no "Post-apocalyptic Post-Advertising Age," as Garfield calls it.

Not only that, but I firmly believe we don't want to be advertised to in private, with nothing to discuss around the water cooler. We like the social interaction of enjoying or hating these ham-fisted corporate efforts together. The world won't simply turn into -- as Bob says it could, at one point -- a place where corporations exclusively adopt the "collaborative filtering" Amazon and Netflix use to sell products: "People who liked those socks also enjoyed this fig jam!"

Garfield is indeed right to take pleasure in the Darwinian excising of bad advertising. I do, too. But he overlooks the very thing that will fund this unlikely rebirth of advertising we actually like. And that is the current inability of the internet to make money.

The fact is, much of the internet is not paying for itself, especially in the media realm. Bob would say: Great -- then die, media realm, die. I, on the other hand, believe that very soon the internet will finally wean us off the expectation that everything's free online. And it will do so through a combination of micropayment entry fees and, yes, advertising that people like.

Not everyone will be able to adapt to these changes. Not everyone who is making advertising now will be able to make advertising that people like (boy, is that an understatement). But the chaos will abate.

I think this because I believe that even the internet, deep down, seeks order rather than chaos. Chaos is not good for making money. Thus, the chaos that is aptly but a little too enthusiastically described by Garfield, will pass.

In "The World Is Flat" (a more optimistic examination of change in the world), Thomas Friedman chronicles the manner in which the world adapts to change in radically unforeseen ways. Faced with rising costs, JetBlue hires stay-at-home mothers as their telephone sales people. Personal-assistant work is outsourced to people on the other side of the world while we sleep. A little town in Connecticut goes from failed Navy base to wild gambling center in 10 years.

I believe this kind of thing will happen to us. Well, you know, most of us.

The world of advertising and media is chaotic right now. Garfield has done well to entertainingly bring up what may perhaps be the biggest, most vexing transition going on in the world today. Irritatingly, he doesn't give the best of us very good odds of surviving it all.

I do.

I'd give it a gentle two stars.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

8 L.A. Truths

2009-09-03T23:31:00.000-05:00

I spent this week editing in LA. Less and less production is done there, so I haven’t been in a while. Some observations:

1) Every post-production facility has cement floors.
2) Every parking lot in every post-production facility is half-Priuses, half-luxo European rides.
3) The most common word in Los Angeles is ‘amazing.’
4) Everyone ends sentences with ‘right?’ As in, ‘Inglourious Basterds was amazing, right?’
5) You can get a table in a restaurant. You can get a suite in a hotel. The recession is deep.
6) The plane smelled like smoke when it landed. The fires.
7) Vin Scully is as sharp as ever.
8) I could live in LA, right?

I'm Back, America!

2009-08-17T16:24:00.000-05:00

I always wanted to say 'America' in an ad. 'Hey America, are you suffering from incontinence?' 'Hey America, do you like to save money?' 'Hey America, what is it about this thing we call "America"'?

So hey America, have you missed me?

I've been out the last five months, um, sowing seeds. And those seeds are now sprouting in the form of production. And much time is spent on production hovering around the craft-service table and eating Corn Nuts. Which means that I, Gary Doyle, will now have time to blog for you, America.

It's good to be back, America.

The Wrestler

2009-04-25T00:21:00.000-05:00

It arrived via my Netflix queue the other night. I liked it a lot. Two observations:

Sean Penn deserved the Oscar for “Milk.” Mickey Rourke was good, but he was playing himself; “The Wrestler” is essentially the Mickey Rourke story. But Sean Penn was playing someone (I’m assuming) completely unlike himself.

The other observation: Mickey Rourke would make a great voiceover. Maybe for a Chevy ad. Or a bank spot. They’re both beaten-down and primed for a comeback.

Mickey Rourke would make for a fun session. And I thought the actors I recorded yesterday gave me a peptic ulcer.

GM Does It Again

2009-04-21T22:29:00.000-05:00

Remember when I wrote months ago about how Congress wouldn't save GM, and their big, boastful advertising voice was one reason why?

Well, they've done it again. They're copying Hyundai's Reassurance program, where they make your payments for three months if you lose your job.

Nothing wrong with that. You'd expect them to copy a program this successful.

But here's the thing: GM, in its typical chest-beating, swaggering way, says they're 'reinventing the ownership experience!' Whatever that means.

Hyundai, in all humility, says, "We're all in this together. And we think it's going to be easier to get through it with a good set of wheels."

Style matters, folks.

This Just In: Internet Advertising Doesn't Work

2009-04-18T17:06:00.000-05:00

Read this entire article. It's long, and I know you have a short attention span. And I don't agree with all of it, or even most of it. But read on.

http://www.techcrunch.com/2009/03/22/why-advertising-is-failing-on-the-internet

I'm a Rock Star For Going to Focus Groups

2009-04-14T22:44:00.000-05:00

Today I called my kids and couldn't actually remember what city I was calling from.

Then it hit me: Dallas!

This is God's way of telling you you're traveling too much.

I feel like I'm living that cliche of the singer singing about 'these towns all look the same.'

Didn't Bon Jovi sing that? Oh, sorry, that was 'I'm a cowboy...on a steel horse I ride.'

Yeah...that's the one.

Tomorrow, Phoenix.

JWT

2009-04-06T21:02:00.000-05:00

People are saying the death of JWT Chicago is another sign of the city's ill ad scene. Wrong. It's a result of a poorly run agency.

I dropped by JWT Chicago a year ago to see a friend. It was such a cool space: huge windows, high ceilings, on one entire floor of the Merchandise Mart. I thought, 'this is what an agency should be.' Only it was empty; I saw about a half-dozen people, and this was on a Tuesday morning.

Now it's a ghost town, literally. Or soon will be. Is that sad? Very. Some super-talented people work there, my ex-partner among them. Is it surprising? No. I'm lucky to work for an agency run by generally smart, forward-thinking people, and there wasn't much of that in evidence in the people who ran JWT Chicago. Or evidence that the larger holding company cared about the office.

That's the lesson. Nothing more, nothing less.

Drinkability

2009-03-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

I started to write a thought piece on drinkability...what it means, what it stands for, its hopes and dreams, who it voted for in the last presidential election, whether it paid its taxes on time, whether it owns a dog, if drinkability were an agency, what agency would it be, who's a drinkable American Idol judge....

So many questions. The problem is, I have to go on vacation. I'll think on it and report back with my conclusions in a week.

I Haven't Written Anything In, Like, Two Months

2009-03-17T16:55:00.000-05:00

Why? Because I've been busy. Let's catch up.

Best New Campaign Lately: the Comcast singing people. When it comes on, I shush my kids and turn up the volume. I am not kidding.

Worst New Campaign Lately: Bank of America. I hate anything with some VO going 'hey, this is America.' Actually, I've always wanted to put the words 'hey America!' in an ad.

Milk: the best picture by far. Glad it won.

Best Quote Pertaining To Advertising: "Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid." -- Goethe

I'll try to post more often.

Two Words For 'Slumdog Millionaire'

2009-01-27T20:54:00.000-06:00

Over. Rated.

Sorry peeps, I know this is the Oscar darling of the season. And I know we'll be seeing Danny Boyle's lovely film stylings ripped off in many ad campaigns to come this year.

But really, how much brutality, cruelty and squalor can you fit into one movie? I get that every day in advertising.

The custom my wife and I have every year is to go out and see the five Best Pictures nominees. For the first two (Benjamin Button and Slumdog) we're off to an inauspicious start. I"ll keep you posted.

Leo Burnett and the Army

2009-01-07T21:15:00.000-06:00

I worked on the Army account at Burnett for a year, late in its tenure. That they sued Burnett didn’t surprise me; I walked into the worst agency/client relationship I’d ever seen. It was poisonous, shockingly so. But I loved working on it. How many times in your career do you get to write about a product that actually means something? Uniformed generals reviewed your work. They shouted ‘hooah!’ on the rare occasions when they agreed with the agency. There was something at stake. It was a memorable and inspiring experience.

As for the lawsuit, it’s another shovel of dirt on the coffin of a once-great agency. And inside, poor Leo spins.

Here's an ad I did for the Army.

My New Year's Gift To You

2009-01-03T21:26:00.000-06:00

Watch this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxxOyGK1pMk

Questions:

That girl is, as my daughter Maddie would say, OOGLY. My word, how did she get in a music video? She's almost as ugly as the drummer, which begs another question: how did they not throw that drummer out of the band? He's so ugly.

That scene of them all playing air instruments...how did nobody tap them on the shoulder and tell them it's a bad idea?

Finally, interesting how Steve Perry is often separate from the band members. Could the song be a commentary on his estrangement from the band?

Questions. So many questions.

Jingle That!

2008-12-22T20:35:00.000-06:00

Admit it. You've always wanted to make a jingle about your dog. Or Santa. Or your recently indicted ex-governor.

Now you can. Here's the link to CK's latest time suck, I mean branded utility.

http://www.jinglethat.com

Jingle on!

The Kids Are Alright

2008-12-19T19:56:00.000-06:00

I taught this week at University of Illinois with Professor of Advertising (and Jesus of Cool) Peter Sheldon and a bunch of funny, smart, refreshingly unjaded, worried-about-finding-a-job students. I understand the worry. But with the ideas they had, and the unending avenues available now for expression of those ideas, it occurred to me that there’s never been a better time to enter this industry. Never. There are more ways to advertise to people than anyone can keep up with. If you have ideas, it’s like a candy store, and the best part is, nobody really knows enough to organize the merchandise.

You may not realize it, but you are lucky ducks.

Why Detroit Failed

2008-12-11T09:54:00.001-06:00

Detroit has been brought down by its advertising as much as its cars, its unions, and its decision-making. I am utterly convinced of this.

Why? Because the voice of the American car maker has always of the been chest-beating, swaggering, king-of-the-world ilk. Chevy, Cadillac, Pontiac, GMC trucks, Dodge. Macho bluster.

You don’t really want to help a person like that out when they come begging. And I don’t think Congress will.

Contrast this with, say, the voice of Honda. Grounded, simple.

I’ve often felt American car makers should speak humanity and even humility. Now’s not a bad time to start.

Note To Self!

2008-11-20T13:01:00.001-06:00

In the future, avoid writing dialogue commercials. And dialogue commercials based around grumpy 80-year-old men.

Sarah Palin Is The Best!

2008-10-03T22:52:00.000-05:00

The best governor? No. The best beauty pageant contestant? No. The best wolf shooter from an airplane? Maybe.

What Sarah Palin IS, is the best brand in politics. Better even than Barack Obama.

This makes her dangerous.

Waaaaaaaaay back in January, I predicted McCain and Obama would win their nominations, because both had the most clearly defined brands. You can look it up.

Sarah Palin is the western American ideal. She’s a true American archetype. She’s the Marlboro woman. Her inept interview responses aside, she ain’t done yet.

Coke can screw up and bring out new Coke, but to consumers, it’s still Coke.

Brands are a powerful thing.

Crispin, Again

2008-09-24T23:04:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of talking about them. You're tired of talking about them. But the point is, we talk about them. And isn't that what they teach you in Famous Ad Guy's school, to above all, make sure your ad is noticed?

I thought the Seinfeld/Gates ads were pretty weak. I said when they were running, 'I don't know what they're trying to do, but what they should REALLY be trying do is say, you know what, we're everywhere, we own 90% of the desktops in this world, and we're not going to apologize for that. We're going to let Apple be a cool little niche brand. But we're the 10-ton gorilla. And we're proud of it.'

And wouldn't you know it, in the next phase of the campaign, they've done it.

I'm done talking about Crispin.

David Foster Wallace

2008-09-15T20:23:00.000-05:00

Shocking and sad. A genius writer, funny and unbelievably smart. I've never read anyone like him.

If you can find it, his piece on tennis player Michael Joyce is well worth your time, even if you have no interest in tennis. Also his account of taking a cruise vacation in 'A Supposedly Funny Thing I'll Never Do Again.' And (poignant now) 'The Depressed Person', an essay from one of his books, I can't remember which. Even his self-indulgent stuff was fascinating.

He wrote so well it made you want to not write.

What do you hate? What do you love?

2008-07-31T22:38:00.000-05:00

I'm going to risk embarrassment in even greater fashion than I do here typically. I'm going to actively solicit comments. For: what ad do you currently love? What do you hate? Anything at all. Leave mine out.

I'll start: I love this Discovery Channel ad. LOVE it. (I apologize for not knowing how to post a window for easy viewing.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5BxymuiAxQ

Hate? I don't know. Hate is a strong word.

I don't like the Bud Light Lime ads.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5BxymuiAxQ

But interestingly from the same brand and agency, I do like this Bud Light Lime ad quite a bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VH4SRd0w53I

Life is funny that way.

Passion. There Is No Substitute.

2008-07-17T20:38:00.000-05:00

Do you want to know the best thing about working on a car account? You don't? Well, I'll tell you anyway.

People care about cars. Passionately.

Most products, people just don't care. The trick is to make them care. But going in, they don't care.

Deodorant? Don't care. Toaster pastries? Don't care. Cars, especially the sports car I work on? They definitely care. They care in ways they don't even fully understand.

The only product I can compare it to is money. Financial services. But there, some just don't want to think about it. Especially if how you talk about it hits too close to the bone.

Cars are the candy store of advertising.

Top 8 Things I've Learned Making a Viral

2008-06-13T19:36:00.000-05:00

Sorry, branded utility.

1. Nobody knows anything. Everything’s changing too fast.

2. Do it quickly. Everything’s changing too fast.

3. Make it useful.

4. Don’t think you know how to ride a unicycle just because you’ve mastered the bike.

5. Ask the young-uns what to do.

6. Make sure someone who knows their way around these things lays down the ground rules early on. And bitch-slaps those that don’t fall in line.

7. If the making-of documentary of ours was scored by Journey, the predominant song would NOT be ‘Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin'." It MIGHT be "Don’t Stop Believin’."

8. The sun will come up tomorrow.

Sign of the Apocalypse, Part 1

2008-05-28T22:37:00.000-05:00

A Dunkin' Donuts ad featuring Rachael Ray wearing a scarf that looks like a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress worn by Arab men, has been yanked. "The keffiyeh has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad," said conservative Fox News commentator Michelle Malkin, fueling the controversy.

I would have yanked the ad for featuring Rachael Ray, never mind the headdress. But I digress.

My old partner, the very talented Jim Furrh, used to say wardrobe on a shoot should never call attention to itself.

Once again, Jim's wisdom is borne out.

Obama, The Brand

2008-05-19T21:55:00.000-05:00

I met Barack Obama the other night. Shook hands with him is about all, really.

Am I relating this to shine some celebrity politician glory upon myself?

Possibly.

But it's also to reflect upon a notion I've been thinking about since Creativity Magazine came out with their awards issue. In which they gave plaudits to the iPhone, the Halo 3 campaign, etc.

I think they're completely missing the biggest branding story of the last year.

And that's Barack Obama.

A brand that' s been built basically from scratch to be, in the space of 12 months, a defined, unique, differentiated, category-leading brand.

Like him or not, it's an amazing campaign.