Thursday, June 5, 2014

10 reasons the Miami Heat are still loathsome, Mach 3


The Miami Heat keep appearing in the conference finals, so I keep having to write my yearly “10 Reasons To Loathe Them” 100 Words entry. Luckily, they give me no end of material. So on the eve of this year’s Finals, and building off of Mach 1 and Mach 2, here are “10 Reasons To Loathe The Miami Heat, Mach 3":

1. Heat fans gave up and left the building when their team was down (ohmyGod!) five points late in game 6 of the Finals last year, then banged on the doors (futilely) to be let in. 

2.  Pat Riley looks ever more like the creepy old guy at the bar buying 19-year-old women fuzzy navels.

3. Bosh still looks like Dino the Dinosaur. 

4. Norris Cole still has a head shaped like a Mason jar. 

5. Shell-of-a-player, future-presidential-candidate, whitest-black-man-in-America Shane Battier still makes the occasional annoying three. 

6. Eric Spoelstra’s still dating a Heat cheerleader, who’s 25 to his 43.

7. LeBron not only calls himself King James, he actually wore that on a jersey for a game this year.

8. Just look at Bosh in that picture. And LeBron.

9.  The worst fans in America get to root for the best team.

10. And of course, this. Forever this. 

25 comments:

Patrick Scullin said...

Thanks, Gary, for writing this public service announcement.

Another Heat victory will only suck all our souls deeper into a vortex.

Yes, lose, Heat–– LOSE!!!

And another thing, why must Florida hurt poor Cleveland. The Indians were so close to a World Series, only to get beaten by a Marlins team that quickly disbanded after they got their rings.

Then LeBron tore the city's heart out of its cavity, showed it to them on national TV and power jammed it in Miami.

Enough. Enough. Enough already!!!

LOSE!

G.D. said...

Patrick,

Please God, let it be so.

I'm not calling you God by the way. OK maybe.

Anonymous said...

"LeBron not only calls himself King James, he actually wore that on a jersey for a game this year."

"“I think that I’m a better speechwriter than my speechwriters,” Mr. Obama told Patrick Gaspard, his political director, at the start of the 2008 campaign, according to The New Yorker. “I know more about policies on any particular issue than my policy directors. And I’ll tell you right now that I’m going to think I’m a better political director than my political director.”

""This was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal."

Obama on his innate superiority in everything and then on how the universe would respond to his election.

Anonymous said...

Is there a more pathetic and lame website than this? Yes, The Lint Screen. Smug commentary from a person who has never been right about anything, but still maintains a perfect sense of superiority. Stunning.

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